As the Manchester bombing victims slowly move toward recovery, pain piles high next to the debris.
Heartbroken parents who will never again nuzzle their child’s hair. Children never again hearing a favorite bedtime story from mom. The widowed wife who rolls over to greet an empty pillow.
What can we possibly say that will make things better?
Nothing.
When unspeakable loss crumples a heart to its knees hard, deep grief doesn’t hear well. They experience devastation deafness, so to speak. I’ve been there. Felt that.
This tragedy caused me to reflect on how I initially comfort those who grieve.
Am I helping or hindering?
So often at funerals, well-intentioned people launch feel-good speeches at a grieving person about how God has a plan. How He will bring good out of their loss. That through adversity, God provides opportunity for faith to strengthen and grow.
But hold on.
There is a right time and place for those truths. But it’s not during the funeral.
After the tragedy a well-known pastor tweeted: “In deep pain, people don’t need logic, advice, encouragement, or speeches. They just need you to show up and shut up.”
Exactly.
Devastated hearts need someone to sit in the mud and cry with them. Or a strong shoulder to lean against when their knees tremble weak. Or a comforting hug expressing love in a thousand silent ways.
And lots of prayers without ceasing.
God promises to “heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)
And He is faithful to do exactly that.
So if someone in your life has suffered a deep loss, perhaps save the words for later — when lessening degrees of grief allows them to actually hear the comfort.
With four books and several Bible studies published, I finally feel qualified to write this post. Perhaps it’s just the experiential miles talking.
As an author, the question I field more often than any other is: “How do you have time to write books, work full time, travel to speak at events, and maintain a satisfying personal life?”
The simple answer is the amazing grace of a faithful God and the incredible support of family and friends. But there’s more.
It requires commitment. Sacrifice. Focus. Organization. And no small amount of blood, sweat and tears.
Through trial and fire, I’ve discovered five specific ways to stay sane while meeting manuscript deadlines. There are many more, but these five help set solid boundaries.
1) Say NO to new commitments until the manuscript is turned in.
New and cool opportunities will start pouring in the moment you commit to a writing deadline — trust me. It’s like when you commit to eating healthy and suddenly chocolate materializes everywhere. However, resisting the urge to add entries to your calendar is crucial to protect your writing time.
2) Take a sabbatical from voluntary, time-consuming commitments.
I sing on my church’s worship team and absolutely love it. However, it requires time learning music, diligent rehearsal, run-through, and singing at both services on Sunday morning.
I took a sabbatical from the worship team for the two months prior to my last manuscript deadline to shift that time toward writing. The team’s support and prayers touched me to the core. The cool thing? A few new worship leaders have stepped forward to become amazing blessings to our church.
3) Commit to writing a certain word count each day.
I created a 3-month daily chart containing current commitments. It allowed me to ascertain at a glance which days/evenings could be devoted toward significant blocks of writing time.
Regardless, I committed to adding 1,000 words to the manuscript each day (except Sundays). Some days I only added 500 words, but others reached over 3,500. The chart kept me on track right up to the deadline.
4) Sign off of social media and devote all spare time to your manuscript.
If I had 30 minutes to write, I wrote! I loaded my manuscript onto a dedicated thumb drive and wrote during lunch breaks, waiting at the airport, and during flights.
You’ll be surprised at how much you get done when you’re focused.
I also scheduled a week of vacation from my full time job right before the deadline. I sequestered myself at home and fine-tuned the manuscript, taking time to pray often. I also took a two-month sabbatical from my blog and avoided social mediafor the final ten days to eliminate distraction.
5) Become anti-social.
This one is extremely tough. Writing involves more than strolling along picturesque rivers at sunset while eating French bread washed down with wine while pondering deep thoughts that will eventually be captured on our laptop.
I’m sorry to pop the idealistic bubble, but writing entails long hours of research and typing with complete focus. Headaches, backaches and stiff necks go with the territory.
Explaining my deadline and commitment to family and friends included them in the process instead of shutting them out. They understood that I couldn’t go to impromptu movie nights until after the deadline.
Their encouragement and prayer support kept me going during those tougher writing days (yes, they happen).
I am looking forward very much to this summer, because come Fall I will buckle down, put these five items into high gear and complete my next manuscript before Thanksgiving.
And remember, intentionally rest between manuscripts to re-engage in normal life, putter around the house, take a vacation, and breathe again. Rest is crucial to tackling your next project with enthusiasm instead of exhaustion.
Bottom line? There are many ways to carve out the necessary time to meet your writing deadlines. Just prioritize, organize, and jump in with both feet, remembering:
“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.” Colossians 3:23
If you’re an author, what could you add to the list?
If you’re an aspiring author, did you find anything surprising?
When it comes to Bible study, I admit that it used to scare my freckles white. As a new Christian 25 years ago, my Bible’s table of contents was a lifeline to find my way around Scripture.
How do you view Bible study? Frustrating, fulfilling or downright frightening?
Much like a car’s GPS, effective Bible study tools often spare us the discomfort of getting lost in Scripture.
Because who likes getting lost?
Study Bibles and other resources are helpful tools, but when it comes to studying God’s Word for personal growth (rather than preparing to speak or teach from it), I’d like to suggest a method from personal experience that works well:
(1) Shelve your study Bible.
Don’t discard it, just shelve it initially.Get a Bible that contains only Scripture cross-references. Look up the cross-references to help you interpret and navigate through Scripture. Comparing Scripture with Scripture lets the Bible explain itself, allowing God’s context to speak.
Treat study Bible notes as what they are: commentary, and a brief one at that. Remember they are man’s words, subject to bias and error. Read them respectfully but critically.
(2) Take your time.
Ask God for insight as you begin studying His Word. Humbly ask God to reveal truth to your heart and mind as you read for understanding on your own. Ask again as you compare your discoveries to those of trusted commentators.
Even if you discover that you may have drawn an inaccurate conclusion from a passage, your diligence to discover the correct interpretation will cause you to remember more readily.
This journey is vitally necessary for spiritual growth.
(3) Consult multiple sources.
Study notes serve as a starting point, not a terminus. Once you have read the passages for personal understanding in a note-free Bible, consult several study Bibles and commentaries from trusted sources. Look for consensus and disagreement among them.
And keep those prayer lines open with God as you go.
There are many resources, so where do we start? Here are some of my indispensable research mainstays:
There are others, but I usually use the above resources each time regardless. Just remember, those study tools serve as a reference point for your conclusions, but not as a substitute for them.
And don’t be afraid to get a little lost in Scripture.
Allow yourself to feel the extent of what you don’t understand. It’s a humbling feeling.
If wisdom and understanding define your destination, humility makes an excellent starting point for the journey.
After all, God faithfully promises: “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13
How do you view and/or approach Bible study?
Comment below and let’s learn from each other’s tips and study methods. We’re on this journey together!
FREE DOWNLOADS:
Here are four different Bible Reading Checklists to choose from. Tuck one (or all) neatly in your Bible for marking your study journey. Please feel free to share them.
He was supposed to be out with the army. That’s what 2 Samuel 11:1 says about King David.
But he decided to stay home.
He took a stroll along his rooftop and saw a beautiful woman taking a bath. And the rest, as they say, is history.
David lusted. Bathsheba succumbed. David ordered Bathsheba’s husband murdered so he could marry her. They had a child.
All seemed well. But God did not forget what took place. The price of David’s sin was the life of their child.
So much collateral damage from one person who thought he was above reproach, the law, or reprimand.
Are you and I any different?
Adultery plagues our world today. Whether you have been victimized by it or know a family member or friend who has suffered a wayward spouse, infidelity affects us all.
Infidelity frays the fabric of families.
Teachers feel the effects in their classrooms when kids act out or grades slip as they process the emotional hurricane caused by their parents’ divorces.
Pastors’ and counselors’ schedules stay full as they walk the victims of adultery toward God’s healing.
I don’t use the word victim lightly. That’s what adultery feels like.
The one person to whom you opened your heart, body, and mind decided on some level that you were insufficient. Whether that insufficiency stems from within or is persuaded from without, it decimates intimacy.
Adultery ranks among the top significant hurts that are the most difficult to forgive. But that’s not news. The real news is that “victim” is not our identity when we are in Christ.
And if we are in Christ, forgiveness is not optional. Ugh. Believe me, I understand how much that stinks to hear when you’re sleeping single in a double bed.
Forgiving the deep betrayal of adultery seems impossible. How do you even begin such a daunting process?
I asked that question several times. When our emotions are screaming for vengeance, entertaining thoughts of forgiveness seems impossible. But as God’s children, we do not operate in our own strength.
But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
If you’ve experienced adultery, you will feel weary and faint. But rely on HIS strength.
People question when I say, “Through gritted teeth, I asked God to help me forgive my ex-husband.” That’s because forgiveness is an intentional act of the will.
When I kept asking God to help me forgive my ex-husband instead of dwelling on his actions, God focused my thoughts on Him, not the hurt.
God sets our heart right when we focus on the Lord and surrender toxic emotions to Him. (Colossians 3:2, Proverbs 3:6).
So how do you walk toward forgiveness?
Begin with prayer. Pray for God to heal your shattered heart and mend your broken spirit. Over and over and over.
It may seem as if you’re trying to convince yourself that you’re worth such love. God says you are.
Healing takes endless hours poring through Scripture. The verses God used powerfully in my life during that time were Psalm 18:16–19.
No matter our hurt, its depth or its breadth, God rescues us. Why? Because “He delighted in me.” That’s it. No other credential necessary.
Your worth is not stained by those who hurt you.
Your lovability factor is not decreased by his or her actions.
You are completely and wholly loved by God regardless of external circumstances.
When we endure painful seasons, knowing that Christ is our strength gives purpose to our pain. God never wastes a hurt. He will use that brokenness for our good and His glory.
Forgiveness doesn’t let them off the hook. Forgiveness frees you from the narrative of hate.
Ask God to help you forgive your adulterous spouse.
Keep asking.
Not because God doesn’t hear you, but to keep your focus on Him.
Keep focused.
In Christ alone, you will find hope, healing, and the strength to forgive.
*This post is an excerpt from my new book, Forgiveness: Received From God, Extended to Others, available now.
When Demi Lovato’s album Unbroken released six years ago, the album title intrigued me.
At the time, I was struggling with anger following my divorce.
I don’t know much about Demi’s history or music, other than her incredible vocal range. I listened to the songs carefully to find out how she developed the album’s theme.
She wrote one of the songs to her dad, pleading for him to put down the alcohol and keep his selfish hands off his daughter. It broke my heart. How awful.
Suddenly the stories that circulated on the Internet over the years about Demi entering rehab for cutting and bulimia made sense. The powerless trying to regain control.
So what does this have to do with anger?
In the music video for that particular song, Demi demonstrates that she is using the power of success to overcome her painful past.
Paraphrased, Demi’s lyrics basically say, “Go ahead and try to tear me down, but I will rise from the ground like a skyscraper.”
It’s a popular mind-set in our culture that says, “If you hurt me, I don’t get angry and take revenge; I become successful to prove that you can’t hurt me anymore.”
However, such a mind-set is commonly driven by unresolved anger. We resolve to become indestructible skyscrapers, but have we dealt with what happened at the foundation?
God set the example by being slow to anger (Exodus 34:6, Psalm 30:5). Anger is a volatile emotion that must be handled with kid gloves.
One day during my divorce process, I telephoned my television cable provider to switch the service from both of our names to mine only.
The customer service representative could not seem to understand that my husband was unavailable to approve my request, even after telling her that my husband no longer lived in our home and would not be returning.
I reached the breaking point.
I shouted something about her being too deaf to hear and too dense to understand, slammed down the phone’s receiver, yanked the whole thing out of the wall, and threw it across the bedroom with all my might. It left a perfect, telephone-shaped hole in the sheet rock.
That was not a proud moment on many levels.
My over-the-top anger vividly taught me that anger can cause damage—literally. That day I asked God to remove those sharp, angry edges and begin the process of mending my heart.
I prayed for that poor customer service rep whose hair I set aflame and asked God’s forgiveness.
If you struggle with anger, it takes intentional time in prayer and God’s Word to remove it.
At one point during her video, Demi looks defiantly into the camera as if to say, “You tried to rip me down, but my sweetest revenge will be in-your-face success.”
That mind-set likely resonates with us at some level because all of us have been hurt. Whether someone betrayed a trust, shared a secret, or physically hurt us, we get it.
Sometimes we feel the need to prove that we can rise like a skyscraper above painful adversity.
But we will not find resurrection apart from Jesus.
Anger is appropriate if we’ve been hurt, but many of us take it further. Sometimes, we add coals of bitterness and resentment and stoke our anger with dreams of vengeance.
But the truth is that we never master the flame.
Fire doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t just scorch those who hurt you—it scorches you. Eventually, it will consume your life (Psalm 37:8).
Anger itself is not a sin. However, it may become sinful when excessive or prolonged.
When we hold on to anger and bitterness, the conflagration eventually destroys us from the inside out. Evil wins.
So how do we properly respond to our wounds when we are surrounded by an outrage-obsession culture?
We don’t resolve to throw telephones across the room or build skyscrapers.
We choose to forgive.
And only God gives us the strength for that hard task.
Forgiveness is the only way to extinguish the flames of anger and once again put your feet on the path toward joy.
Surrender your anger to God.
Let Him build a skyscraper of grace in your life, built on the foundation of forgiveness.
*This post is an excerpt from my new book, Forgiveness: Received from God, Extended to Others, available now.
Whether it’s first thing in the morning, or before turning in for the night, prayer can be hard on some days.
Depending on our circumstances, some days we want God to be massive and huge. We need Him to take on our bullies and win with one hand behind His back.
Other days, we need Him close enough to catch our tears and hear painful words we can only whisper.
The good news is that He is both.
Simply looking at the universe confirms that God is far bigger than we can ever grasp. We live on a little blue globe that orbits in one of hundreds of billions of galaxies in the known universe.
In fact, Earth isn’t even the biggest deal in our own solar system next to Jupiter.
Yet Earth is the one privileged place where God chose to place His most precious creation: mankind.
We are the only things in ALL of creation made in His image.
Heaven’s expanse declares the size and glory of God. We cannot measure God with a tape measure, ruler or yard stick. In the economy of the universe, He is measured in light years. Light travels at 186,000 miles per second and one light year is 5.58 trillion miles.
Yet God didn’t even lift a finger to create the heavens and earth:
“By the word of the Lord the heavens were made, their starry host by the breath of His mouth.” Psalm 33:6
Our God breathes stars and galaxies.
Yet in spite of God’s vastness, He chose to make us. Fragile, demanding, unruly, self-centered us.
We are fearfully and wonderfully made by God Himself.
Out of the seven billion people currently on Earth, no two are alike. For each person, God mapped out and wrote a brand new DNA code that had never before existed, nor will ever exist in the future. You and I are the definition of “custom made.”
Each of the 75 trillion cells in your body consists of a DNA that makes up unique, miraculous you.
You may not think that you are special, but you are a walking miracle.
God promised that for those who trust in Him, He will hold us in the palm of His hand and carry us all of the days of our life.
Even when we can’t fathom His bigness, even when we can’t feel His closeness, He promised us something incredible:
“He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” Colossians 1:17
So when you’re facing your toughest day, your hardest trial, how do you know if God can hold you together?
Because He promised it.
He may not change your circumstances — He didn’t change them for Jesus — but He works in every circumstance to bring about good.
So as we pray, we are communicating with the universe-Maker who became mankind’s Savior.
A little over two weeks ago, I wrote a blog post dedicated to pastors.
The response was incredible.
Beyond the blog and Facebook comments seen by all, what touched me the most were the responses that came through phone calls, texts, private Facebook messages, and even notes through the regular mail from those who love our pastors most: their wives.
They expressed such gratitude at the encouraging words shared on the post for their husbands.
It reminded me about the challenging road our pastors’ wives walk — not only my pastors’ wives but the plethora of these amazing women whom I have had the privilege to meet and befriend all over the country.
So to each of you precious, dearly-loved, women of courageous faith:
You gracefully stand silently in the shadows while people clamor for your husband’s attention and heap praises on him (though he deserves it) when we choose not to notice you.
Please forgive us.
You live in a glass house where everything is scrutinized, yet you continue to keep those windows clean with the forgiveness extended that we often don’t deserve.
Please forgive us.
We ruthlessly police your fashion, hairstyle, hair color, size, and words like it’s our sole duty on this planet.
Please forgive us.
You sit dutifully while your husband uses your family as a sermon illustration pun again and smile while we laugh at you.
Please forgive us.
When we gripe, complain or criticize something about your husband or the church — even when it gets so nasty that there should be a smack down right in the middle of the narthex — you smile graciously and tell us that you will pass along our concerns.
Please forgive us.
You strive to walk as a disciple of Jesus, faced with the same struggles and complications that we go through, yet you’re faced with the challenge of going through many things silently.
Please forgive us.
You are often thrown into positions in the church that no one else wants to do — often areas you are not gifted in — yet you trudge faithfully ahead while we criticize every step.
Please forgive us.
And then, there’s this:
Some days, you worry the stress may kill your husband. You desperately want to be in the will of God but may be afraid of what that might require of you, your marriage and your children.
You long to help the multitudes and would lay down your very lives for the beautiful body of Christ, and that makes you very, very tired. Perhaps you wonder when your husband retires if you will ever walk into a Church again. Sometimes sheep bite.
But I want you to know, dear Pastor’s Wife:
It’s tough and can get lonely out there, but you are standing on the Rock.
You may not have anticipated this calling to be a pastor’s wife, but God has equipped you for this noble work.
God will faithfully provide helpers to you who love you wholeheartedly and find joy in praying for you and walking alongside you — whether inside or outside your Church.
Jesus can heal your wounded soul, renew your tormented mind, reconcile broken relationships, bring about forgiveness, bring hope in the midst of exhaustion, mend your broken heart, and meet your every need.
I pray for God to keep faith and hope alive in you, because WE NEED YOU.
We may not always tell you, but please know this:
You are LOVED.
You are BEAUTIFUL.
You are VALUED.
You shine God’s light RADIANTLY.
Sisters, I love you dearly and esteem you greatly. THANK YOU for your extraordinary sacrifice of praise to Christ our Savior.
Church, when was the last time you prayed for your pastor’s wife?
During a leisurely lunch with three dear friends* a few years back, horror stories and scars surfaced around two familiar topics.
To preface, only one of us is married and has a child. We range in age from 32-49 and are committed Christ followers. I need you to know something first. This post took significant time to write and pray through because it’s rather blunt about sensitive topics.
This post isn’t a vent — it’s a plea borne out of loving others.That being said…
Throughout our adult lives, my three friends and I have been asked two questions so many times that we’ve lost count. To this day, we remain flabbergasted that some women haven’t caught on. There are questions that plainly shouldn’t be posed to another woman — unless she’s your BFF.
(1) Why aren’t you married?
Stated like that, this question isn’t really a question. It’s a judgment.
Since I didn’t get married until I was 29, I fielded that question a LOT of times. We met when I was 23, dated for two years and were engaged for four years while he finished post-graduate college. If we’d collected $1 from each woman who asked me why I wasn’t married yet during those six years, we could’ve easily paid for the wedding and honeymoon four times over.
The more we talked, my friends and I realized that more often than not the question was posed by married women. That’s tantamount to a millionaire asking an unemployed person why they aren’t buying a mansion.
Even if asked in a caring or flattering way (perhaps she thinks highly of you), it still stings.
Believe it or not, some women ask it to intentionally inflict harm. And trust me, those on the receiving end can tell the difference. I’ve also been asked that question innumerable times since my divorce seven years ago. And frankly, the answer is too long and deep to broach with someone who doesn’t really know me. So I never bother.
Simply put, God calls some women to pursuits other than holy matrimony. Mother Theresa comes to mind, among others.
And the second question…
(2) Don’t you want children?
Again, stated like that, this isn’t a question. It’s a judgment.
This question has caused more scars in my life (and my friends) than any other. It presupposes so many things that it’s hard to know where to begin addressing it.
Asking a single woman that question is cruel — whether intentional or not. Perhaps having children has been a lifelong, unfulfilled dream that has cost her many sleepless nights and a river of tears. What if she believes marriage should come first? Should she rush out to the nearest bar and hook up with the first man she sees? Should she rush to the sperm donor bank and sign up?
Asking a married woman that question presupposes that she is physically able to bear children. Perhaps she and her husband have tried to have children for years only to face financial hardships due to unsuccessful fertility treatments. No woman should ever be expected to share her private struggles or physical condition to justify why her home isn’t overflowing with children.
My ex-husband and I were married for 13 years, but didn’t have children. We trusted God’s plan that if He wanted us to have children, He would provide. I believe we would have been wonderful parents. But now looking back on divorce, I believe God knew best.
This question also presupposes that every woman longs to have children. Having children was never a huge tug on my heart. I realize that I’m opening myself up to some pretty hefty criticism with such a statement. Trust me when I say I’ve received my share of ugly comments. In spades.
I love so much spending time with my nieces and nephews because I see my three sisters in them. My 21-year old niece has lived with me for almost a year and I have cherished that time. Children are incredible. Yet God did not instill in me that desperate longing to have my own. I can’t explain it, it’s just the simple truth.
Some people have pulled out the Christianity card. “God designed women to have children, so you’re disobeying if you don’t have them.” Yes, people have actually had the audacity to say such an unkind thing to me and my friends. And when such a statement comes from someone we hold dear, the wound plunges deep.
Some people have played the adoption card. “So many children need good homes, why aren’t you willing to adopt?” Stated like this, that question is also a judgment. Perhaps she is, in fact, willing to adopt, but is still thinking and praying through the many considerations of such a monumental commitment.
Simply put, no woman owes another an explanation or response to these two extremely personal questions. Over time, I’ve learned to smile and deflect the tension. However, the pain inflicted still takes significant prayer and time for God to heal.
The bottom line? Those two questions negate God’s sovereignty. They infer that we need to follow our own plans instead of listening for and submitting to His. If no one has ever asked you either question, you are among the blessed minority.
If you are unmarried or do not have children, please hear this truth loud and clear:
Despite your marital or parenting status,
God loves you right now.
Just as you are.
Precisely where you are.
Following Him isn’t about conforming to some cultural mold of how others believe your life should look. Remember the Apostle Paul? His singleness allowed him the freedom to accomplish incredible ministry and write nearly half of the New Testament.
Following God isn’t about OUR agenda.
It’s all about what God does in us and through us in HIS perfect timing.
No tangible thing on this earth makes us more or less of a Christian. Following Christ never hinges on whether or not we’re married or have children. It’s about being in relationship with Him. It’s about our desire to know Him, be fully known by Him, and receiving His love and grace into the deepest recesses of our soul.
So to my fellow women who have been on the receiving end of these two questions, I love you. I know what it feels like and I’m so sorry for your pain.
And to those women who believe it’s okay to keep asking another woman either of those questions, STOP.
PLEASE STOP.
They kill friendships.
*These three wonderful friends are not members of my home church. They read this post when it was originally posted and granted permission to share these generalities of our discussion with hopes of shedding much needed light on this sensitive topic.*
Samson had an anger problem. Well, maybe he just never learned how to process anger well.
In Judges 15, an incident between Samson and his father-in-law eventually escalated into battles involving nations and the slaughter of thousands of innocent people.
All because of revenge.
When Samson returned home to his wife after a time away, he learned that his father-in-law (thinking Samson hated his wife) gave her to Samson’s companion. To add insult to injury, his father-in-law then offered his other daughter to Samson.
In a rage, Samson declared war on the Philistines (his father-in-law’s people) by torching their grain fields and olive orchards (Judges 15:1-5). The destruction affected the Philistines both economically and religiously, because they believed in gods of harvest, among others. In retaliatory revenge, the Philistines burned Samson’s wife and father-in-law to death (Judges 15:6). Ironic.
Samson vowed not to stop his rampage until he exacted revenge for his wife and father-in-law. He subsequently attacked and slaughtered many Philistines (Judges 15:7–8).
The Philistines retaliated by hunting down Samson, attacking the town of Lehi on the way. Three thousand men of Judah confronted the Philistines to ask why they were coming against them. When the Philistines named Samson as the culprit, the men of Judah found Samson and handed him over (Judges 15:9–13).
But Samson wasn’t finished. He picked up the jawbone of a donkey and killed one thousand men with it. One thousand men. All of this destruction and mayhem started with Samson, his father-in-law, and a goat.
Why are we so bent toward revenge? What is it that makes revenge alluring?
When it comes to revenge there are two basic types:
Active revenge: This kind of revenge moves aggressively toward our offenders. Perhaps a family member says something derogatory about your spouse. You immediately take offense and start telling the rest of the family about their many faults (whether secret or not). Active revenge always hurts far more people than we realize.
Passive revenge: This kind of revenge deceptively looks like forgiveness. Passive revenge does not move aggressively toward the offender, but takes the form of withholding, cold shoulders, or secretly celebrating when something negative happens to them. It is forgiveness lip service, not a genuine movement toward it.
Revenge tells God, “You’re in my seat.” When I choose to take revenge, I alone determine the severity of a person’s transgression, the proper method of punishment, and the time frame in which it needs to occur. Revenge inflates the ego because I alone determine that God is not moving fast enough or meting out what I believe is appropriate judgment. Consequently, I take matters into my own hands and execute judgment. Revenge means failing to entrust my wound to God’s justice.
Revenge always escalates. An offense can start with something as small as the rolling of eyes at someone’s behavior in a social setting. But it doesn’t end with reciprocated rolling eyes. It always escalates. Remember Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet? The feud between the Capulets and the Montagues was “bred on an airy [misspoken] word.” Multiple civil brawls later, Romeo and Juliet died in their efforts to be together.
Revenge always inflames and creates an inflated ego that says, “I have the right to pay back the hurt they inflicted on me.” And back and forth it goes.
Forgiveness begins when you drop the jawbone.
When you find yourself in a situation where there is a nonstop back and forth, decide to put down the jawbone of revenge and back away. Forgiveness starts by refusing to participate in the game and stepping forward to end it.
Maybe we need to ask ourselves how much revenge is enough until we feel better? until our anger subsides?
The anger we feel from pain makes revenge seem logical. But anger can escalate quickly into rage and even hatred. Anger is an impossible blockade on the road toward forgiveness. That blockade can be removed only when we surrender the underlying pain to God for healing.
God takes our pain on Himself, so use God as the lightning rod for your anger. The psalmists did exactly that in Psalms 7; 10; 17; and 28. God alone is our avenger. Remember Job? There are dozens of places in the book where Job unloads his anger, frustration, and wounds onto God, along with a little sarcasm (Job 10:3). God can take all of those emotions and knows best how to handle them.
When someone wrongs us, instead of groping for a verbal weapon, reach for the Word of God: “praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance” (Ephesians 6:18).
Instead of hitting our enemy, we can hit our knees. We can pray earnestly for God to heal our pain, remove our anger, and work forgiveness in us so we can extend it wholeheartedly to those who hurt us.
Instead of feeding our hurt, we can feed our heart. Relentlessly confess, repent, lay your hurt at His Table, and receive His forgiveness that refreshes.
God alone is our righter of wrongs. The power or responsibility does not lie with us (Romans 12:19).
Forgiveness relinquishes all rights to punish our wounders and give them over to Christ. God is a God of justice as much as a God of love. Forgiveness does not mean that our wounders get off the hook; it recognizes that we are not the righteous judge of sin. That authority belongs to Christ alone.
Follow Jesus, not the path of revenge.
Drop the jawbone.
It stinks to high heaven.
Literally.
**The winner of the Forgiveness book release giveaway is CAROL ALBERTS! I’ll reach out to you today, Carol. Congratulations and God’s blessings! **
These are the days when our culture seems to embrace rage. But we look around at the brokenness and perhaps we wonder … don’t we all need a whole lot more forgiveness?
We turn on the TV or scroll through social media and see drama-filled outrage over things that will be forgotten by dinner. And I can’t help but ask: why are we so angry? What cut our fuse so short that we’re constantly blasted and damaged?
Perhaps it’s time that we look each other in the eye and admit we need each other — that forgiveness paves a better way. A holier road.
But how do we handle the pain we can’t contain? those memories that track us down like blood hounds on a scent?
Maybe what overwhelms us the most is feeling like no one understands.
Forgiving gives life. Forgiveness restores freedom. Not for our offenders. For us.
I’ve lived the rage and know that forgiveness has radically transformed my life. When we trust Him, God can turn our anger into outrageous abundance.
After struggling and failing, and learning and growing, very slowly, I started to write. Does forgiveness make any sense in a raging world? In a raging heart?
Yes, it most certainly can.
And I didn’t even know if writing this made sense, so I reached out to people much wiser than I. They affirmed then, and they affirm now — if the world doesn’t see forgiveness from God’s people and among God’s people, they won’t see it at all.
I mean how can people learn if the examples are huddled and trembling behind locked doors like the disciples after Jesus was crucified?
So these wonderfully wise people, here’s what they said:
“Readers will want to grab a journal to document the lessons and Bible verses the author encourages readers to write down, helping to imprint God’s truths.” —Jan Wendorf, Past LWML President
“Donna…uses Scripture and beautiful language to remind us of the power of Jesus at work in us, making forgiveness in every relationship possible.” —Angie Goeke, author, musician, speaker
“She recognizes the losses involved in forgiveness and she doesn’t shy away from calling out the lies and cultural myths that stand as barriers to forgiveness and freedom.” —Heidi Goehmann, author, speaker, deaconess
“In this study Donna helps us better understand the forgiveness God lavishly offers to all through Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, and how He desires for us to live forgiven and forgiving lives. ” —Rev. John and Debra Heckmann, St. Paul Lutheran Church, The Grove, Texas
“I wasn’t aware of the unforgiveness packed deep in my heart. … As I read the book I was better equipped to break through the walls that were built in my heart.” —Mia Koehne, Singer/Songwriter, Host of Aspire Women’s Event Tour
So I hold this book out to you with hope-filled hands, praying that God uses it to open the cages of rage and usher in the freedom of forgiveness. And to celebrate…
I’m giving away a grand prize to one lucky subscriber:
Two signed copies of Forgiveness: Received From God, Extended to Others (one to keep, one to share)
A brand new Kindle e-reader: black, 6-inch, Wi-Fi enabled, glare-free touch screen
A set of four Scripture mugs to share coffee with your Forgiveness study group
A $25 Amazon gift card
Two sets of Forgiveness scripture cards
TO WIN:
Subscribe to this blog (look to the right)
Comment below and let me hear your thoughts on the topic of forgiveness
Share this book release link and tag me on your social media channels (each share generates an additional entry)
The winner will be announced on Tuesday’s regularly-scheduled blog post.
I pray that God uses Forgiveness in ways only He can fathom or imagine to transform our raging culture to a forgiving one. It’s such an honor to serve you, friends. Thank you.
Join me tonight for a Facebook livestream book launch celebration!
